Our daughter is five, I am a five-year-old mother and this is my story.

Parents' lives are mostly centred around their children; their priorities and choices change significantly after children are born. But this article is about me and my journey of being a mother. A disclaimer that it is not about how I fulfilled my life's purpose by bearing a child. Instead, I offer insights into my real-life experience. It may strike a chord with you if you're or you want to be a parent, or you're a parent and didn't want to be one or never want to be one!

To set the context, I got married in January 2014 and my tryst with destiny brought me to Delhi. I got a job in March 2014 and we welcomed our child in June 2016. My personal and professional life ran intertwined with things happening quickly, one after the other. Marriage, a teaching job (ya the one which is supposed to be ideal for females) and a child within two years of marriage; could it be any more perfect in a stereotypical world? I wanted to be a mother, it was my choice. In fact, I talked my husband into it. But when it happened, it was far from what I had imagined.

Remember 'Phool aur Kante' (translated as flowers and thorns) - the debut movie of Ajay Devgan and Madhoo? In this movie, Madhoo gets married, conceives and gives birth - all in one song. The song is called - "Dheere dheere pyar ko badhana hai, hadd se guzarna jana hai" but they manage to get things done pretty fast. As a 90s kid, that song and similar instances from Bollywood moulded my poor understanding of the real world. I had some idea about "khatta khana", "ulti" and "man machalna" but I thought - "I love khatta, how difficult can it really be?" Those nine months, barring the first week where I was the centre of attraction after breaking the big news, were not quite pleasant. Although I did not vomit, experiencing nausea 24X7 for months was extremely uncomfortable and got in the way of almost everything I did. Baby-moons, maternity shoots and maternity wear had been launched by then, but it didn't matter. I wanted to get rid of nausea rather than increasing my troubles by posing in the parks or trying to fit into a gown or travelling. Yes when the baby kicked, it was very special and made me forget all the pain. But the kicking kept increasing in intensity and frequency over months, eventually not making it very exciting. I became huge by the ninth month. I was also not glowing, like some other mothers. Beyond maternity shoots and baby-moons, this is what real-life pregnancy was for me.

The next phase was childbirth. It was a unique experience, and I suggest never commenting on it except if you are a mother or a gynaecologist. I am a C-section mother and I don't understand the fuss about wearing the scar with pride; neither I despise nor glorify it. My stay in the hospital was full of apprehensions; all the time we doubted the doctor's intention to suggest an operation rather than natural birth. This was because of the information constantly supplied by people around us. C-section was my first experience inside an operation theatre. I was very uncomfortable with getting shaved by the staff, undressing in front of them and being cut open in a semi-conscious state. My doctors kept discussing politics and daily life; it was unnerving for me. In all this, I can never forget the moment when I saw our baby! She was beautiful and gushed in a sea of emotions. Totally worth all of it and more, which was to follow.

The third phase was my transformation from a human being into a sleep-deprived cow. To top it off, I was a cow with inadequate milk. According to doctors, a mother is supposed to exclusively breastfeed during the first six months but I did not produce enough. So, I used milk powder. I remember so many people around me including my doctor telling me that I was not trying enough and that I should eat cumin seeds, fox nuts etc. I remember gulping down loads of nuts and spices but in vain. I felt extremely guilty and continuously googled all possible information in this context. Eventually, I forgave myself. A big thanks to all the cows and milk powder companies!

While the first few weeks were about sleepless nights, our child did not sleep throughout the night till almost two and a half years of age. Some other things that came along were constant advice from extended family, friends and even acquaintances on matters ranging from what I should eat to the type of pillow for the child. Homemade remedies were useful but the advice gradually became redundant and annoying.

The fourth phase was about joining the office after a maternity break of mere 84 days. Our daughter was born just before the new Maternity Act was implemented as per which I could get 26 weeks off. Bad timing, I know! It was very challenging to join work leaving behind a two months old child. Work was not the problem, honestly, it was liberating. Dealing with people was tough - people who kept asking who is taking care of the baby and judging me. Whenever I would tell someone that she is with the babysitter, they would confirm - "a maid, right?" It was boring to not be able to participate in office breaks and get-togethers or explain every time why I could not make it to the 9 am meeting because my babysitter didn't turn up or why I have to leave exactly at 5 pm because she doesn't like overtime and I cannot afford to annoy her. It was infuriating to hear people say, "Why don't you quit? Your baby needs you" or "You have all the time of your life to make money." Yes, the money was good but it was about the life I wanted; my routine of dressing up, meeting people, having conversations, solving student issues, greeting staff members, and reading and writing. Surprisingly, men judged me less and supported me more as compared to the women in my department, including mothers.

Our daughter is five now and I am a five years old mother. Parents of different age groups frequently caution me about what is coming next. They say - "This stage is not so difficult, wait and watch till your child is older." Why do they do it? I don't know. It did bother me, but now it does not. Our daughter occupies a major part of my brain space since she was born and I live in a constant state of guilt and panic but I have accepted it as my new normal. As a parent, our child is the most important person in my life, but I fluctuate between - "you are my world" and "why do people have kids?" Had Nirupa Roy Ji ever said that onscreen, we could have at least seen her laugh once in a while!

I am a mother who became one, along with my husband, by figuring out things amid loads of prejudice and stereotyping. I made mistakes, learnt some things and unlearnt many others. But why did I write this article? Do I want to scare people who want to be parents? Do I mean motherhood is only about challenges? Not really.

These two pictures were clicked exactly five years apart in July 2016 and 2021 respectively. Do you notice that I am glowing in the latter? Here is why.  

Motherhood has taught me to be fearless. I believe if I can nurture life, I am capable of anything in this world. It has made me more empathetic. When people ask me how I can let the babysitter raise the child, I understand their conditioning and insecurities. I also understand that everyone, including my daughter, must have free choices to shape their life journey. It has improved my sense of humour. I can joke about serious blunders because life anyway isn't a bed of roses. It has given me so much confidence. I don't get defensive about my choices and I accept myself and my body more fondly because it could create life.

In all this, it has brought me closer to my parents because I know what it takes to raise a child and it has made me fall in love with my husband once again for the amazing, diaper-changing, constantly pressurized (by female power) father he is! Finally, it has brought into our life a cute, tiny body and a beautiful soul. The house is a lifeless dungeon without her. She makes my life a bit stressful but very lively. She is the world!

This is what it is. As I did not have any other big plans like becoming the Prime Minister or setting up a trust for the Nobel Prize, I feel being Anandini's mother is worth every bit of guilt and worry.

Cheers! 🍷 (Oh yes, you can't have this if you're pregnant)

First published at: https://www.momspresso.com/parenting/article/on-motherhood-and-what-they-don-t-tell-you-eve8iney8yqn on July 23, 2021.